I understand why you and other people have a hard time understanding why I display so much hatred and angst towards you, especially because it�s been almost a year since the beach but you need to understand a few things. You may delete this, but at least I get to know that I�ve sent you an explanation of why I�m still so angry. Everyday I have to deal with my mortality. I dwell on the things that have happened, the things that I wish I could change, and the things that I wish had happened. I know that might be stupid to you but it�s the place I�m at in my life. You expect to be hurt by your enemies. I�ve been hurt by so many people that I�ve expected to be hurt by, but I never expected to be hurt by my best friend, the man I loved, and the one person that I thought understood me better than anyone. When I think of you or see you all I see and feel is betrayal. I know that you never meant to hurt me, but the fact is that you did. I�m told that I had no reason to angry or hurt by you, but truth is that you hurt me more than anyone else. Even more so than having my father walk out on me and being cheated on and lied to by every guy I�ve ever been with. What hurt the most was that you knew how much I cared about you. Then there is the fact that you knew how much I hated her. I remember telling you about how much I hate her because of the past in the first week of knowing you. So I guess the big question is why? Why her? Of all the in this world why did you have to pick the one person that you, as my best friend, knew that I would be the most hurt by? You once told me that you didn�t want to see me cry anymore, did you keep your eyes closed? I know that I shouldn�t have thrown your things down the stairs, and drinking a whole bottle of Jager wasn�t an excuse, I could have done the mature thing and just placed them outside of the room. But in some weird drunken way it was the only thing I could do at the moment to make myself feel better. And as an adult, I apologize. Have you heard the phrase �out of sight out of mind?� That�s why I told you, you weren�t welcome at my house anymore. Maybe what I need is to talk to you, but it would probably turn into a screaming match and neither of us needs that. I know that you�ve moved on and I wish you all the happiness in the world but you and I will never be friends again. I know that since we have mutual friends that we will still see each other, but I just can�t have you in my space, my sanctuary. Yes, I�m bitter, and maybe I�m taking out my anger and frustration on you for all the things that have happened to me in the past few years. And yes, I know that isn�t fair to you, but if you ever cared or had love for me I ask you to respect my feelings. Because somewhere and for some reason I still love you today as much as I ever did. And that�s another reason why I need to stay away from you as far as possible. I�m sure eventually my feelings will fade, but right now I�m just not ready to forget what was, and what could have been. I know I was so mean to you, and maybe if I had swallowed my pride and just let you know how I felt from the beginning then none of this would have happened. But I can�t change the past, I just have to suck it up and deal with the consequences of my mistakes.

So I guess that's it, my explanation of me.

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