For the first time in my life, I'm so lost and I can't fix it. I can help everyone else with their problems, but I can't fix myself. How pathetic is that? I just wish my life was a movie. I could suffer, have my ups and downs, and in the end it all works out. Is it possible? No, but a girl can dream. I feel like that's the only place I'm alive anymore. I feel like I'm walking, I can feel myself walking, but I feel so dead inside. The walking dead. I realize that I've done this to myself. I've dug a hole. And there is no ladder in sight. No hand reaching to pull me out. Why is that? I was always that hand for everyone else, and in my time of need there is no one. I swear is I died tomorrow no one would care except my mom. Sometimes I feel like that's the out I need.
Am I too prideful? Why can't I ask for help? Is it because I just want someone to notice that I'm dying inside. Time is passing so slow and the agony that is my life just goes on and on.
Why do I miss him so much. I felt so alive when I was with him. He was my rock. Maybe I relied too much. Maybe I pushed to hard. I know I pushed so hard I pushed him out of my life. And with him, everyone else. It's the could ofs and should ofs that hurt the most. Can I change it. No, he's moved on. And I wish him the best. But I can't let him know that. To show emotion is weakness. I don't even cry anymore. I don't feel alive enough to cry. I achieved what I wanted so badly years ago, to become an ice queen. Now I am, and I hate myself more than I ever did.
I pass. I hate. I don't love. I mourn the death of my old self. She is gone, and I wish I could have said goodbye.
Till Then.
~D
