This is a letter that I sent to a friend. I hope you like the new layout, it's not much, but it's new... enjoy me pouring my heart out!!!
Hey!!
I'm sorry it's taken me so long. I'm just in a serious rut in my life and I'm trying to figure out how to handle it. I was napping when you texted me today. Sorry! I hope you had a very nice day.
I just realize that I'm in a fucked up mood and I'm just seriously not happy in my life. I'm so lost and I just can't figure anything out. I feel like I have no control over what�s going on. My doctors tell me that the stress from my brother is killing me. And because I can't get a job and move out, I'm being subjected to him and I have no way out. Last night I just sat here alone and cried for hours. I've never felt this helpless or hopeless in my life. I'm sorry to put all of this on you; I just don't have anyone to talk to really. It's so hard with all of my Becca problems, the fact that all my closest and best friends live so far away. I'm so alone and as crazy as it sounds I could be in a crowd of people and still feel this alone, if not more.
I've got it in my mind that I'm just going to die a sad, poor, lonely person. When my mom dies, I'm sure my brother is going to put me in a home. That's not how I want to spend my last day. Becca always said that she would take care of me, but she's changed the plan so much I don't even have that to ease my mind. I hate the fact that I've gained like 70lbs in the past year. 70LBS!!!! I gained a 5th grader. And now I have no way to loose it because I can barely move. I was so beautiful in HS, I was never skinny skinny, but I had great curves and people found me attractive. I cheered... but the cheer is gone now. I swear that if I hadn't have gained the weight, Skinner and I would be together. And I hate the fact that my appearance is what drives people away even when they say they love me. I know in my heart that I would never want to be with a person like that, but what hope does it give me for the future. I see all of my friends in love and happy and I get so jealous. I am truly happy for them, but it makes me extra sad.
For years I've always said that Gwen Stefani was singing my life. There's this song called Simple Kind of Life, where she talks about all she wants is to find a nice guy, get married and have kids. 'That's the only thing I want in this world, and it's the only thing I will never have.
I need a path, but I'm so far off the map, I'm roughing it in the mountains with only a backpack and spoon. I'm useless and sometimes I hate myself. It's funny because one minute I feel like I have a grasp on this whole thing, and then days like today I just feel like I can't take it anymore.
I just wish I had the money to get as far from here as possible. That's why next week I'm going to my specialist and seeing how I can get off these medications and what will happen to me. I just want peace, and all I have is pain. I could lose everything but the pain is always with me, not only in my body but in my soul.
I hate that I'm sending this to you, but I just wanted you to know that even though I may seem like I have it together, I'm really a huge mess.
I just want to go to a mountain top and scream WHY ME? So many people have said to me that they can't believe that this could happen to such a good person. I try to look at it as my cross to bear. Then I wonder why God would want me to have this pain, and I want to know why he took my life from me.
I remember a time when I loved life. It wasn�t a calendar of doctor�s appointments; it was a calendar of events. Parties, club nights, dinner parties. I was so happy, I thought I was invincible. It�s funny how I look back and think about all the things I wouldn�t have wasted my time on. All the things I can�t change. I hate to regret, I remember when I didn�t, but now that�s what my life is full of.
I think I�m going to finish this year, trying to everything I can, and then I�m just going to stop. I can feel the life draining from me everyday. It�s not that I don�t want to go out and go to parties right now; it�s just that I can�t. I physically can, and I�m also afraid that people will joke on me because I�m always crooked. My brother calls me lopsided ass� if he can be that mean what is going to stop over people. I hate the way I look, the way I lean. This isn�t the life of a 25 year old. I have the body and nervous system of a 90 year old and I feel like I�m in my 60�s.
One more year, one more summer, one more birthday, and then I just want to give up.
I�m sorry to emotionally dump on you in a novel; I just really needed to tell someone how I�m feeling.
Well, I�m so tired; I�m going to pass out. I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow, enjoy the day for me too!
MUAH<3
Dita
