I finally felt inspired. Things have been hard, and I'm going through so much personal stuff. I feel like a constant burden, especially on my mom. I let Becca down constantly. It's times like these when I want my old life, or this one over.
I am going to make it up to her by going to Va Beach for Halloween. It will be a blast, as usual. Plus I get to be a Moon Goddess, and that doesn't happen everyday!
Some time for serious...
Ok so lately, I've noticed that I've isolated myself so much. I don't answer calls because I'm either sleeping, or don't want to. I hurt all the time, and I think that's why I'm avoiding people. I feel I sit, walk, and move retarded now. I'm so afraid of being judged. Another thing I spent everyday of my healthy life being dissapointed, lied to, upset, hurt. I'm terrified of being hurt. I don't think that I should have to spend my last 20 years doing the same shit I did when I was healthy. I wish more than anything, that I could have just not gone to the hospital that day. I'm so sad all the time. I pretend I'm fine. When people ask me if I'm alright, I say "I'm Dita, I'm always alright." But you know what... I'm not. I have this war waging in my soul, I'm torn in two, body over mind. I will myself to get better, and it just won't let me. And I'm a control freak, and this is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I didn't just lose control, I never had it. And that's what's killing me.
My self doubt, the feeling of helplessness, and I just don't feel like I can make a positive decision. I'm sad, I'm lonely, and instead of telling people for fear of looking retarded, I'm mean and hateful. I say things that I honestly don't mean, even though some do have merit.
I'm so terrified of getting hurt again that I'm pushing everyone out of my life, even people I don't want to. I guess I'm just convinced that I will end up loneley, so it has to be done on my terms. Everyone leaves. You get sick, people notice that you've changed everything about you. I mean come one, I used to drink and do drugs all the time, stay out till all hours of the night I know I used to be fun. Now I sit at home a lot, because I'm always tired or in pain, I can sleep for 20 hours and still be exhausted. Oh and I drink 3 times a year, and everytime I do I pay for it by not being able to move from the waist down for atleast 2 days if not more. My life has changed and I have found 4 people who have enough balls to deal w/ it. I don't even get support from my family, especially my brother. I know that to any normal person it is hard to get. But there are two sides. And I've been on both sides... the ones who can, and the one's who can't. When I was in HS I had friends who joked on people in wheelchairs. Guess I wonder what they'll think of me in a few years.
Plus when you ask your doctor what they think my life expectancy is and they give me to 50. In a wheelchair by 35. IT IS FUCKING HARD TO THINK POSITIVE!!!!!!
Yes I talk about being sick all the time. It is a huge part of my life... hell it's my whole body. Hugging friends hurts sometimes, but I don't say a word because I want to be normal.
I'm not normal... I'm not. I need to accept that. But it's hard. I'm so torn. I know this whole entry is scattered but that's how I feel in my head. I'm always questioning, and doubting everyone and everything, including myself.
To sum it up: My mind races a million miles a minute, I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm scared of being hurt, I'm terrified of dying, and I get to be a moon goddes, well atleast for one night!
Sorry it was so crazy!
Peace and Love
~d
We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight
