It's official! I'm starting to suck at writing in my diary again! Life has just kinda been nutty here lately. I'm not sure if it's life or if it's me that has all the problems. I made a huge step in admitting that I have at any moment I have a text message ready to declare my love. I'll probably send it when I'm really really really drunk! Sad but true. I don't know I've been loosing weight like crazy. But I realized yesterday, that I don't just think it's the weight. I just have huge self esteem issues. Which is crazy because I love myself. I think it's the fact that I'm self consious of other people loving me. Waiting till beach week to declare love is insane, but I think that's what I want to do. I'm a sad sad girl. No I'm not, I'm a woman, a sad woman! And I want so badly for him to turn to me and say, I love you too. And mean it! I'm scared to death. I haven't felt anything for anyone in so long. It kills me inside. It's the most amazing feeling and yet so depressing. I'm shocked, awed, amazed, excited, and I get that little butterfly feeling in my tummy when He's around. I thought James killed all the love inside me. But it's still there, my heart is almost done healing @ this point. I guess I'm just waiting for John to rip off the band aid, or atleast kiss it an make it better! I have declared myself obvious when it comes to displaying my emotions. I get sad when I'm expecting phone calls and they never come. Like tonight! :0( I want to tell him I need space, but that will open up a pandora's box of questions. I think I officially hate myself! BOOO!

Till Then...

Peace and love,
Dita

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