Well.. it started again. Today was the first time in almost 2 years that I've binged and purged. It scares me to death. I hate it so much but once I get started, I just can't stop. Everywhere I look, I'm reminded that fat isn't cool. When I first became bulimic it was because I needed control of something in my life. James was leaving me, if I ever had him at all. We were in Va Beach at TGI Friday's. It was the first time I was so blatent about me throwing up all the time. I just got up after I was done eating, literally ran to the bathroom, and did it. When I opened the door, there was Rita staring at me. I had been busted. When I sat back down at the table all of these feelings of guilt and sadness came flooding in. I knew they had been talking about me. For so long Junior was the only person who knew what was going on. I only told him because we spent so much time together, he was wondering why evertime I ate something, I had to pee right after. One day he busted in just as I was flushing. He saw my watery eyes and my red face and he just grabbed me and hugged me. It was the first time I had ever talked about my problem. I had lost almost 70 pounds and all of a sudden everyone is talking about how great I look again. That just made it worse. I just kept saying to myself, one more week, let me get to my goal weight. That's when I started feeling all of this acid creeping into my throat constantly. I finally stopped. And gained all the weight back. I've tried so hard this time to do it the natural way. But I just had to eat french fries. I HAD TO. So I ate, then drove back to Becca's and threw up. As soon as I left B's the feelings came flooding again. I don't want to be sicker than I already am. I even voiced my concerns for myself the other day to Becca. She told me to be safe. Do it the safe way Dita. It's so sick. All I think about is stuffing my face and getting rid of it as quickly as it went down. And now that I've started, I feel like I can't stop, first french fries, then I ate popcorn, threw that up too. I want to talk to John about it, I want to tell him so bad. But I can't. Why? Because I can honestly say that I think I'm falling in love with him. And I've already got so many strikes against me, I think this will just be another black mark in my book. The sick and twisted truth. I've started purging because of him. My need to be thin so I don't lose another guy. I have so much competition. And I know that if he ever could care for me the way I care for him, that everything would be fine. But I don't have that luxury. Fear. Fear is what drives me. Fear of being fat, fear of being alone, fear of not being in control. RSD is not a control freaks disease. Bulimia is. I am an obsessive compulsive, overweight, manic, RSD havin', throwin up my food freak. Scary. I want to stop so bad, and to many it just sounds so easy. I'm going to try so hard. I really am, it's just hard without my support system that got me threw it the first time.

Till then...
Dita

*happier note* having to be in the hospital on valentine's day is gonna suck, but if john really shows up dressed as a giant heart, my day will be so much better*

last - next