There! I've become a bum again! Not writing in my journal as I should! That's because of the holidays and my new found obsession with myspace! Everyone seemed to have an account except for me! BOO! Now I have one. But being the obsessed web designer that I am, it has to be perfect but I'm still trying to figure some stuff out. Nothing really spectacular has happened in the past few days. Christmas came and went. I did get everything that I wanted for Christmas. My new Birki, My Gazelle, art supplies, Best Buy giftcards, new hiking socks, lots of star stuff, new make up, and an awesome new travel case. Oh yeah and did I fail to mention MONEY! The one thing this broke ass needs more than anything...
I'm still reeling in depression and contemplation about what happened with the unmentionable the other week. I feel like I put up such an opposition for years, and then I go and slip up. I have so many questions, but I don't want to be a psycho. Like they said in an old episode of Related. YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW! Then why do I feel this need to know everything. It's my obsessive compulsive disorder. I've never been diagnosed, but I organize everything. A place for everything and everything in it's place. I don't turn my light switches on and off like 7 times or anything. Just this over obsession with perfection. Which is really funny, because everything has to be perfect because I don't have control over the one thing I want control over the most. I'm wondering if all of this exercise and dieting is actually going to help!?!? So many of my friends say RSD makes it almost impossible to lose weight. But I'm so obsessed with being pretty. I wonder if I'm still going to be an ugly skinny girl? Oh my obsession has come back. I want to do it the safe way this time, I don't want to starve myself or binge and purge again. I hated myself more then, then ever. I hated what I was doing to myself, and it was all in the sake of trying to keep a stupid guy around. That's what's changed this time, I'm doing it for me. My concern is, is my obsession to be beautiful going to kill me? Am I going to keep doing it the healthy way? What if I freak out and don't see results faster than I want!?!?
My physical therapist is really concerned with the way I'm burning myself out. I'm constantly pushing myself too hard. I just want to be skinny so bad. I tell people I'm doing this to be healthy, but it has nothing to do with health, it's vanity. My vanity that's always been my curse. It's why I won't wear my braces, why I won't use my cain, and why I refuse to tell people when it hurts to much to go on. I'm so worried about what people will say to me. I know I've seen people with cains and wheelchairs and felt sorry for them. I don't want that in anyway shape or form!
I really need to go back to therapy, I just can't afford it again! As usual. I'm just generally so unhappy with myself and my life. Unhappy. I was filling out this survey that Jeff sent me. It asked if I was happy, just when I think I've found happiness in my life it goes away, or someone ruins it for me. I'm slipping back into depressed mode. And I hate it. I fought with John tonight. I won't see him till January 7th. Well that's when I'll be back in Hopewell. Who actually knows when I'll see him. He bitched about coming to see me 3 times. Saying I was 15 miles out of his way. I didn't realize I was a burden. That's why I've practically stopped hanging out with everyone. I feel like I'm a burden. Woo hoo pity party for me. And it's crazy because pity is the last thing I want. Just understanding, but that seems to be way too much to ask out of people these days.
Well this didn't turn out the way I wanted, but I just wrote what came to my mind.
till then
peace and love
Dita
