ahhhh... as the morning slowly creeps in, i sit feeling the silent desperation creeping in. I just need a fucking change. Life is so fucking busted. I'm confused, I'm hurt, I'm lonely, I'm tired, I'm just plain fucking fed up. I feel dumb. That some how I let someone so unworthy of my love creep in. I hate it. I never should have stayed. I should leave now. I should turn away and just say I'm done. It's over, I can't handle it any more. I feel the stress building. I feel the wasted time slipping away. It's like I'm hanging by a moment for no reason. The moments aren't even worth hanging on anymore. How do I walk away. Do I leave my friends? Do I just say fuck you and walk away? How do I do this? And why can't someone just give me the answers? I just wish I could stomp on my heart, or smack myself till every memory of what we did/didn't have slip slowly away. Just like it didn't happen. He never exsisted. Like I never went to the beach. And the past year and a half, if it could just be a slate that is wiped clean. No pain, no heartache, no waiting, no having to be stressed or confused. To not feel like crap, to not feel forgotten, and not important. If I could just forget his face, or his voice. To not have every little stupid thing remind me of him. I wish I could do it. I'm so tired to lying and telling everyone I'm fine. I'm not fine, I'm so broken. I'm a broke down ass mutha fucka, and I wish someone would pick me up out of the gutter. Out of this pain and misery that my heart has gotten me into. Fuck emotion, fuck love, fuck it all!!! I'm tired of bleeding myself for nothing, you can only do it so many times before there is nothing left. And how can people hurt people? How could I have hurt him? I was so cruel, and this is my payback. Will it ever work? Probably not, and I'm tired of being hopeful.

till then...
d

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