Ok, I'm not to sure what is going on with me right now, but I know that I don't like it at all! I'm really depressed, and I can't tell if it's the Neuro-Blocker medications or the lack of pot in my life, but I'm so sad!!
I just got off the phone with Becca. I started crying. She's always talking about all these people she meets and how great they are. Well Becca is beautiful. And when I think of myself I'm the furthest from that. I've been on the phone a lot tonight, and I just don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. I'm totally fine until people start talking about relationships. I'm totally alone, with no means of meeting people except at the hospital. I don't even try to look, because all I can thing about is how the fuck am I gonna find someone who's going to be willing to wipe my ass here in a few years. That makes me sooooooo sad!! Do people love people that much. And what happens if things are fine until I get really bad off and he leaves me. I have enough in my life to stress out over, and a guy just doesn't seem worth it. I wonder if I'm lovable. Why would someone want damaged goods? Someone who's broken and can't be fixed. Most of the kids I meet with RSD have been in relationships for years before they had RSD. And the love was already established before they got sick. I have to find someone willing to help me do everything from the get go. *pulls my hair out* It's times like this when the desperation just hits me and I have a pity party for myself. But you know what I think I fucking deserve a pity party. A huge one, with a parade! I talked to my friend Matt tonight, he says he's realized that life is a little bit of good mixed up with a whole lotta bad. Well I'm sick of my bad, when is my good gonna come!?!?!? *crying* I just wish I had someone to talk to when I needed them. I feel like everyone is always busy doing other things and they don't have time for the disabled girl. That's what I am to people. I can't make plans ahead, because I don't know if I'm gonna be able to move that day. I'm a burden. We can't do this or that because Dita can't move. Or don't bother asking Dita, she can't stand the cold, or there's too much walking involved. Blah Blah BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK IT!
~Dita
