Ok... so I borrowed My So Called Life on DVD from Becca. And it sent me into this totally wierd mood. I started having these horrible dreams about high school. Stuff that happened but skewed! MAJORLY! I rediscovered my love for Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano. If only high school was that easy. I've cried and laughed so much. It's so strange. I did have this horrible nightmare about the guy I lost my virginity to. He was the Jake Ryan of Hopewell High. Jake Ryan being from 16 Candles. It was a horrible situation. Afterwards he told me not to tell anyone because I was too fucking ugly and no one would believe me. TRAMATIZED!!!!!!! Maybe that's where all my fucked up trust issues come from. I feel like I'm so independent now. I mean as strange as it sounds, when people come to visit me, instead of being happy, I feel bothered. Like they are fucking up my routine. I mean I'm just not up to entertaining here lately. I had my last and final blow out... my 24th birthday. The keg, the shots, Asshole, Jager Bombs and tons of people. I'm just totally over it! Now I get annoyed at parties, I wish my brother would shut up with his loud mouth constantly, and I only feel safe and comfortable in my own room. And to many this may sound crazy, but I love being alone. I have time to do my art, listen to what I want to, watch what I want to, and just straight up be ME! I feel like I did so much for so many when I was healthy, that it's my fucking turn to be selfish. All I need is Becca, Sly, and My Mom. They are the only people who haven't treated me any different. Becca is so supportive of me. She's always there to lend kind words and paint with me. We've been having these weekly dates because the Geo is busted so I can't come and go like I used to. We've had so much fun, and I finally feel like we can have a conversation that is totally revealing and it's because the trust level is set on max. And as for my mom, I just feel like for the first time we get eachother. I love waking up early, drinking coffee with her and just talking. We don't fight as much anymore, actually we only fight when I'm having a pain spike. I tend to yell a lot, so the problem is me! I don't know, not much is really new new, just being me and trying to survive! Well I've gotta jet so I'm gonna wrap this up...

Peace and Love,
Dita

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